The Playing Field

Ok, well I will preface this blog by saying that I have actually been watching a lot of football lately if you can believe it (and I know you can't) and I guess this blog sort of reflects that...so here we go:


My kids are the football players...they are out on the field, running around, getting hurt, making courageous tackles, victoriously racing to the end zone, communicating to each other (ok yelling at each other) and passing the ball off, huddling up, making defense plans, and of course stealing the ball. As the mom, I have found myself all over the stadium wearing different hats...on the sidelines, in the fan section, selling tickets, handing out Gatorade at half time, shaking the pom poms, yelling at the other team, talking to my players when they are in need of direction, frustrated with them when they don't listen, and sometimes I am even way out in the parking lot tailgating with all the other clueless, overwhelmed parents. I am the coach, the medic, the cheerleader, the bus driver, the mascot, a dedicated fan. I am rarely a player.

From the parking lot, or stands, or even right up on the sidelines- the game can be hard to keep up with. If you look a way for a second you can miss a record breaking throw, a sneaky steal by the opposition, or a painful tackle by a player twice your player's size. Sometimes though, as parents, that is where we are meant to be- right there on the sidelines...watching from a distance, keeping it all in perspective. Sometimes life can be so full and busy, the sidelines are about as close as you can get to the game without messing it all up. Because you know if you were put into the game, with all your stress and issues, you would most certainly drop the ball.

That is how I felt for most of last year- just busy, stressed, distracted. And so God just kept me on the sidelines watching my kids run with it...up and down that field. Sometimes it seems like life with two kids is just a non-stop blur and the distractions are endless...rushing from one practice to another...late for school on one day, a forgotten lunch box the next day...arguing over which shorts are too short and why we can't wear flip flops in winter...whining, crying, and more whining...it is a never ending cycle. And all the sudden an entire month has flown by and I wonder how it all went by so fast and I can't seem to remember any of the details! Who won? Who scored? Who did we even play?

Lately though, God has allowed me to jump in and be a part of the game and I have come to love every minute of it. He has slowed me down and allowed me to focus long enough to not just remember the details, but to also enjoy and savor each tiny moment. I am amazed at how much joy the girls bring me...real joy. I find myself in love with both of them all over again as I come to understand what it is like to be a part of their team, what it is like to be on the field with them, playing with them, winning and losing with them. Not to say that being on the sidelines is any less...it is just different. I am seeing them differently from this angle and I love it. I suppose there are seasons for everything and lately this season has me standing side by side with them on the field instead of looking out on them from a distance. Without the distance though, I never would have understood how they played, how they worked together to win, or how they needed me to coach them. And they would have never known my voice among all the other voices they hear yelling at them. So, God is so good. He is in control of the game, the players, coaches, fans and all, and He places us exactly where we need to be.

In order for me to get in the game though and down on the field with them, God had to take some distractions away from me. At first, I was upset, not understanding why I was being stripped of so many things all at once- unable to see how He was arranging things to bless me. Eventually though, I began to see that God was at work in my life and He was staking claim to areas of my life that I really needed to surrender to Him because they were hindering me...relationships, addictions, unhealthy habits, negative thoughts and so on. My life was filled with people, activities, and thoughts that were not only pulling me away from my walk with God but they were also keeping me off the playing field with my kids. And so I have come to see that even though the last few months have been hard- they have also come to be some of the sweetest months that I have spent with the girls because I have been able to focus on them and play along side them.


Yesterday, Riley got on the bus after school and sat down with one of Maddison's little friends named AJ. They apparently began to have a conversation about his name because it is an initial name (she has been learning her letters and the sounds that each letter makes in school.) Every time she learns the sound a letter makes, it is like a whole new discovery! She is so excited and seems amazed- like no one ever knew before her, that the letter L makes the "Luh" sound. She wiggles around, grinning from ear to ear and announces the new sound she just learned. It melts my heart. So, here she is on the bus having a little discussion about AJ's two letter name. She tells him that his name is "so weird!" I can just see her grinning at him as the light bulb goes off in her little head. Well, some 11 year-old boy happened to walk by just as she said "weird" and he of course assumed she was talking about him so, he picked a fight with her!!! He told her to "shut up" and then he threatened to shove her back pack somewhere inappropriate. She was horrified. This is the little girl who cries if you look at her funny. She is MISS Sensitive! Of course, Maddison came running to her aid, sat down next to her and calmed her down. I am sure there is nothing more comforting than having an older sibling come to your defense. Who picks a fight with the smallest kid on the bus...wearing a Dora backpack no less???? I can hardly stand it!


MISS Sensitive on the 1st day of kindergarten...


Who would pick a fight with this little kid and her Dora backpack???

I have spent the last two days reliving the drama with all the kids involved and somehow feel like one of them. In football terms, the offense just took down one of our most sensitive players and we are all downright ticked about it. But we learned a lesson: we huddle up when we are being attacked, we come running to the rescue at the first sign of a tackle, and we pull each other up, dust off the dirt, put on our helmet (or big girl panties) and make a new game plan...and we stick together. I could have missed a lot from the sidelines. I could have had to read about it in the paper or heard about it on the highlights. But because I am currently playing right along side my kids, I was blessed enough to be a part of the play and each recap.

Walking

I am 30. I love the Lord. I have two sweet daughters. I am single. If I had to summarize myself in 4 short sentences...those would do.

If I had to add a few more layers they would include career dissatisfaction, an inability to manage my checkbook, divorce, a shopping addiction, car problems.

To go a little bit deeper...heartbreak, sensitivity, female.

And at the end of the day, surpassing all that I am though, I love the Lord. And when I finally give up and surrender my head to the pillow, I pray that I am still within His grasp. I pray that I haven't slipped out of the Lord's hand, pursuing my own selfish will and insecurities. I pray that I am walking right behind Him, allowing Him to lead me in every area of my life. I pray that that the Lord has every inch of me, every layer of me within the palm of His mighty hand. And I pray that He sees all of those layers...even the scarred and ugly layers...that He holds tight to even those and has a gracious plan to make me more like Him.

I see so clearly the life that God wants for me and I want it too! I pray for it. I pray that God will bless my 30's, despite my fear that time is passing me by like a train that I can't catch. I see my love for Him and know that I am serving Him to the best of my ability, despite the fear that I am really not doing enough. I see my sweet daughters and battle the fear that I am not providing enough for them. I see that I am single. And at the end of a long day, I realize that I am so sick of all that fear! I realize that those fears and insecurities affect my walk with God.

I pray that God will use the love I have for Him. I love Him like I have never loved anything before. I know this sounds so simple but, I just love God. I love everything about Him. He is everything I have ever thought of as special...loving, kind, generous, merciful, graceful, enduring, capable...and He loves me and is available to me! How could I not worship all that He is and strive to be anything less than who He wants me to be? I wonder how God will use my love for Him.

I know that God has a plan and I need not question it, but I have to confess that sometimes I wonder and question that plan. And not because I doubt Him, but because I doubt me. I know that He is sovereign and I know that He has a perfect and complete plan for my life, but sometimes I can't stop myself and I wonder...am I helping or hurting the plan? Am I going to agree with the His plan for my life or am I just going to mess it all up? And if I mess it all up...will He remain sovereign enough to redeem me?

I make so many mistakes. Small ones...a bad word here and there, a little lie to avoid an awkward situation, an ugly thought about a person I am supposed to be practicing patience with, an overindulgence of cookies or wine or pasta, a missed bible study. And big ones...a lack of faith, moments of doubt, surges of insecurity. Really though, the worst of all those are the moments that I lose sight of Him and walk without faith. I walk daily with God, but I struggle to be as graceful, righteous, faithful, and strong as I think I need to be in order to keep up with Him. And the amazing thing is that He stays with me, loving me despite it all. It is enough to bring me to tears because I am so not worthy.

And so tonight, I write this to remind myself that God gives and takes away. I experience true joy when I simply focus on Him and not on my own shortcomings. When I take my eyes off of Him and focus on all those fears and insecurities...I stumble. But God is always right there to pull me back up, encouraging me to continue at a pace that I am comfortable with. He doesn't want me to run faster than Him. He doesn't want me to stop and look around so much that I forget where I am headed. All He wants is for my hand to remain in His as He leads the way and clears the path- even when the terrain gets rough and I feel like I am not able to keep up with Him...all I have to do is walk.

Virginia Tech

Tonight I am thinking about all the tragedy that the youth in our school systems have faced recently, in particular, Virginia Tech..and it scares me...literally scares me. I think about my daughters. And at first I think, I really don't know how to protect them! How do you protect your kids from violent hatred that explodes so unexpectedly? I feel waves of fear and sadness...even moments of defeat.

And then I remember this amazing little gift that God has given me and I begin to realize that although I can't protect them...I can equip them. Ephesians 6:13-16 gives us specific directions when we are faced with opposition...we are to put on the full amour of God...the helmet of salvation...the belt of truth...the shield of faith...the sword of the spirit...the breastplate of righteousness...the shoes of peace. God's armor is the best way that I can equip my children and myself as we try to come to terms with what is happening around us.

And so...I remind myself and my kids that we are saved. We spend time talking about how Christ has already won the battle and though others may try to hurt us, scare us, or even kill us, we have the helmet of salvation upon our heads. We already know who wins in the end. I know I am saved, they know they are saved, and nothing can take that knowledge away from us.
Helmet...check.

We walk in truth. We talk in truth. We pray in truth. I remind myself that although there is a lot of hate in this world, there is also a lot of love. Yes, I recoil at the images on the tv but I also rejoice when I see communities come together to honor those lost, to serve one another in love and in truth as they tell the stories about each person lost. The truth is that at the end of the day, we love no matter what. Death doesn't steal the truth. It tries to make us hate everything and fear everything, but in the end, we only love more. We love those lost. We love those who are suffering. We love those that helped. The violence makes us want to believe the lie that life sucks and isn't worth it, but the truth tells us otherwise.
Belt...check.

Faith may not save us from a violent act but it will see us through it. Faith is believing what you can't see. Faith is trusting that even when everything around you appears to be falling apart, somehow, it will all be put back together someday. God is good. People do horrific things, but I have faith that God is good and will heal each and every family that has lost someone. And so when the doubt presses on my heart and I feel compelled to panic, I instead reach deep into my heart and cling to my faith instead.
Shield...check

And when my faith is in place, but somehow, my words are still failing me or my face is still pale with fear, I rely on my spirit to battle for me. I open my bible. I pray. I draw my sword. I read God's word and let it comfort me. I read about the senseless tragedies that took place in the Old Testament and how God came in and restored broken families and shattered communities. I read about all the pain and sickness in the New Testament and how Christ came, healing them according to their faith. I talk to my kids about the God we serve... a healing, redeeming, and righteous God.
Sword...check.

I teach my kids what is right and what is wrong. I do my best everyday to live in a way that is good...healthy...lawful...right on...righteous. As much as I hate to be reminded in such a painful way, tragedies like VT, remind me of what happens when people create their own rules and righteousness is tossed to the side.
Breastplate...check.

And finally, I slow down and remember how precious peace is. In my home, it is a precious, precious gift. We want it at the dinner table. We seek it during arguments. We ask for it when we are crying. We need it when we face a tremendous loss. And we always notice though when it is missing. And so, I put on my shoes of peace. They may slip off from time to time, but I always know where to find them, and I never forget who made them. God keeps them for me, sitting on his front door, just waiting for me to come and slip them back on.
Shoes...check.

I may feel horrified and scared right now of the images being blasted on the tv, but I am filled with faith that God will overcome and will heal the areas that the devil intended to hurt us with. God will comfort us and we will in turn, comfort others. God will sustain us and show us light even when we think we can't see. God may not always physically rescue us from harms way every time but he does prepare our hearts, equipping us with the love of a God whose faith can endure and overcome senseless tragedies like what we have seen in Virginia and even right here in Keller.

The violence and hatred is real and we have seen it manifest itself this week, but I am not going to hand myself over to fear. I am going to equip my daughters and the amazing youth that God puts along my path, with a heart of faith...not fear.

This is fitting...

...Fear Hides from the unknown. Faith investigates.
...Fear Focuses on the problem. Faith focuses on the answer.
...Fear drains you. Faith sustains you.
...Fear retreats. Faith advances.
...Fear is fueled by past tragedies. Faith is fueled by past victories.
...Fear retracts. Faith attacks.
...Fear results from trusting in our own abilities only. Faith results from trusting in God abilities.
...Fear looks at the size of the problem. Faith looks at the problem in comparison to God.
...Fear can defeat your Faith. Faith WILL defeat your fear.
...Fear and faith are contagious, causing the heart of others to faint or fly.

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt truth buckled around your waist...take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." Ephesians 6: 13-16

Wild Horses

God has been working on me at such a rapid pace lately, I sometimes feel like I can't keep up! I can go weeks just rushing around, working, playing, thinking, just existing in my flesh and then all of the sudden it is like God just reaches down from heaven and puts his mighty hand on my head and I am suddenly stopped in my tracks, totally consumed by him and what he is showing me. And then it all makes sense again, my focus aligns and I begin to see what He has been up to. And I thought I was busy before revelation…

Last week in the midst of my "busywork" I noticed several books lying around the house that I haven't finished reading yet. I have eagerly started each of them and nearly finished most of them, but for whatever reason they end up on the coffee table, the bedside table, or the kitchen counter unfinished. As I dusted around them I immediately began to think and worry about why I haven't finished…it isn't really like me! Am I too distracted? Am I not able to finish anything? Maybe I really do have A.D.D! What is wrong with me? And then I felt the Lord whisper to my heart, "Quit worrying, you will finish them when you are supposed to." Hmm. And just like that I let the thought go and rushed on.

Yesterday in the midst of my rushing out the door, I was shutting off the TV when my eyes breezed over one of those unfinished books. I just grabbed one and shoved it in my purse thinking, "Well I guess I will just finish it just for the sake of finishing it!" Ever the multi-tasker, I pictured myself reading it the later on in the carpool lane. At least I wouldn't be wasting time…So I hurried the girls off to the sitter, hustled them up to the front door, rushed through the goodbye kisses and hugs, and hopped back into my car ready to speed off to work- and then I realized that I was about 30 minutes early! Whoa! That never happens to me…never. Well, taking advantage of the bonus time, I picked up that book and God began to move.

I read about a woman who was in a season in her life where things seemed confusing and complicated…painful even. She said that when she tried to understand this season in her life, the word "confound" kept coming to her heart. The Lord eventually showed her that she was like a wild horse, confounded by its own disobedience. When a wild horse needs to be tamed, the owner will confound it by making it do the opposite of everything it so naturally wants to do, "It wants to go right; you pull it left. It wants to run; you make it stop. It wants to stop; you make it run." The owner has to break the horse of its own will, otherwise the horse is useless to its master. God does the same thing to us. He needs to break us of our own will so that we can be obedient to his will. And maybe some of us are just in that season of being broken by God in some areas of our lives.

I realized that when we keep trying to go in our own direction God has to confound us, over and over, breaking our selfish will so that we can be of use to him. And oh how I want to be used by him! I don't think my heart could want for anything more…even though my heart sometimes follows my will instead of its Lord! Some of us have had to learn the hard way that there is a difference between what our hearts want and what God wants for our hearts…

God also showed me something else by reading this book. I have often wondered about the many ways that God communicates with me. Sometimes I get just a word, like, "willingness" and I have to pray about, research, and think about that word to understand his direction. I have to be willing to receive his direction, willing to let him lead me, willing to trust him. Like the woman in my book, sometimes a word just keeps coming across my heart…over and over until I recognize it, just like the word "confound" had been placed on her heart over and over. I now know that when I get those bits and pieces from God I am supposed to pursue their meaning like no other. For within their meaning lies God's direction and insight for my life. If we don't acknowledge God's words and ultimate direction in our lives, then we miss out. We miss the mark and wind up way off course…and totally confounded by our own decisions.

And so, in a matter of days, I went from rushing around in my flesh, worried, consumed, and too busy to even acknowledge the Lord, to having him just stop me in my tracks and deliver a message so powerful to me that I sat in my car and cried out to him. Sometimes we just have to give it all back to him right there in the parking lot. We have to hand over our fears, broken hearts, guilt, worries, and yes, even our selfish wills. We have to trust him enough to let him do whatever he wants with it all so that we can live a life of clarity instead of confusion! Hmmm...sometimes it is just so hard!

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time."
--1Peter 5:6

Reach out your hand and take it by the tail....

God's Word is so amazing...

God has showed me so much even when I didn't expect him to. There are times when I have been selfish, rebellious, and even just plain ignorant and then God just quietly encourages me to turn back to him again...despite my circumstances and when I do I am always pleasantly surprised at what he shows me...over and over and over again.

Whenever I start to think about God's patience with me, I am almost moved to tears because if I were God, I would have closed the book on me a long time ago...but God just opens it even wider to me, extending his word as a source of life for me, whispering "read it again, Carrie, read it again." Isn't He amazing?

My current favorite right now....

"Moses threw the staff on the ground and it became a snake and he ran from it. Then the Lord said to him 'Reach out your hand and take it by the tail." Ex 4:23

I love this latest one because I have been thinking about how many snakes God has asked me to take by the tail lately. It takes faith, courage, and trust in God to grab hold of that snake in your life. Sometimes we grab hold of the snake like God tells us to by the tail, and we overcome. We are blessed for our obedience. Sometimes we grab hold of the snake, but not by its tail...maybe we want to be obedient but don't really trust Him when He gives us direction and we do it our way instead of God's way...and we get bit. And sometimes we just run from the snake because we are just plain scared.

The good news is that God gives us plenty of opportunities to grab the snake...even after we ran away the first time. He gives us opportunities even after we have been bitten. He waits patiently for us to turn back to him, building our faith, courage, and trust in Him so that when he asks us to grab it again the next time...we do.